Cat Scratch Fever

My cat is a complete bastard. I love him. And his feline nuttiness loves me too in his own completely selfish way.

He loves me enough to sleep beside me in my bed, to lay behind my computer while I work, to fuss over me when he sees me. Those in the know will tell you that he doesn’t like me so much as he looking for a warm bed, enjoys the heat from the fan of my computer and when he greets me he really saying “get me my food you fat jerk,” (I'm not a jerk).

Dogs on the other hand are more masculine in their thinking. You’re never left wondering what they want. They tell you and keep telling you until you give it to them. When they want a walk, they go to the door. If you don’t let them out, they pee on your floor. Simple, lesson learned. They kiss you with their wet tongues to tell you they love you and while doing so are covering your with their scent. They’re good companions. Whereas my cat could give a crap whether I live or die once he’s fed, the pooch is a friend forever.

Dogs are great company. I’m convinced that aside from a few things that I can do and dogs can’t - one thing actually - that my wife would live quite happily alone with her doggies by her side. I know that because when I get to bed at night I have to compete for space with her coon-hound, the Great Dane, her beagle, American Pit-bull and a Chihuahua who has the temerity to growl at me as I claim my rightful place at the bottom of the bed. Sometimes, if the stars are aligned correctly, I even get a corner of a sheet to ward off the chill.

Cats, like women, can be dark and mysterious. You think they want this and instead they want that. They constantly evolve so we men have no chance, none at all, to catch up and predict what they want. So we learn to adapt. Or so they would have us think.

As with my cat, I find that pandering and flattery works most of the time. Similarly with our feline friends. Their “what have you done for me lately” stance is no secret. Pick them up and stroke them and if they’re in the mood, they’ll purr. If not, they’ll bite you. Simple. Unpredictable. You have to learn to look for the signs and even then there’s no guarantee.

Coming home and being greeted with the love of your life standing there, hair askew, arms crossed and glaring at you like a prime predator is probably not the best time to ask for some “sweet lovin’.” Then again, it could be. And there’s the mystery.

Sometimes I wish cats and women were more like men and dogs. But then they wouldn’t be what they are and we men would have nothing to do.